Am I ready yet?

“If you want to be happy; then be” is something I have heard somewhere – somewhere in the world of internet! Of course, I don’t know if a person can maintain that state of being; but being me with someone special in such close relationship, I just feel that happiness is about seeing. It is a paradigm shift; it is about seeing things in a different way. Let me dare to say it: “It is about seeing things in happy way” J I have always used to be alone! I never told what I am passing through even to my family members, and to my even close friends. My way was keeping things within me, and cherishing if they are of such importance, or throwing them in oblivious corner of my mind in sooner-the-better fashion. My source of happiness were small things: flying birds in open sky, mist mingling with bare trees like a newly discovered match is expressing their passionate desire to each other, my own shadows cast before me from the sparse sunlight passing through dense forest behind me, eye of a kid staring curiously through train window, amazing shapes of cloud continuously shifting its form due to the gentle movement of wind carrying here and there, spring melody of a chirping black bird, and sometime just watching falling leaves across my window painting a person walking on distance by using blocking-sight-by-opacity as a paint brush when the gentle breeze maneuver it moving around against the downwards pull of the gravity. In different way, I used to be happy! Sometime just being doing nothing brought as much happiness as something grand and important is accomplished.

Changes take time, or we perceive time because everything is changing that comes to our perception. Of course, there are moments of utter dullness sometime – in my life, in your life, or in everyone’s life. And I understand the moment when time stops in flow state as mentioned by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi! But, these moments of utter dullness usually happens when there is no sense of change! And time does not look short because it stops; rather it appears to be toooooooooooooo long. Then there are some moments- particularly for sensitive people- that changes take place in rapid succession or it touches too many important things at once that we fall into the chasm of overwhelming changes just to realize how difficult we find to realize ourselves. Actually, that was the same situation I had been: from being-alone-way to being-with-someone.
As mentioned before, some moments were hard to believe and some moments were bringing overwhelmingly a lot of changes in very short span of time we are used to usually perceive – and some moments were MOMENTARILY sad that the self itself trapped into that oblivious chasm! And I said it ‘MOMENTARILY’ with emphasis that it is fortunately short life-spanned in the stretch of time in addition to having its own grand importance to make us realizing the state of being as a matter of fact behind our happiness! Yet better to call it again, it is as important to realize the paradigm shift when understanding the happiness. Changes take time, and it really brings those paradigm-shifting moments even as fluke every now and then. And with that new perspective of seeing things, happiness again is found in truly being you! Nobody stops you from staring the sky to scan for the shapes of clouds or trace the movements of freely flying bird unbound of the human-construct boarders and boundaries. Nobody stops you to see the shadow of the self in summer, or the falling leaves in autumn, or the snowflakes painting a tree in detail before vision by brushing even the smallest branchlet it touches in winter, or the blackbird chirping in the spring.

Changes take place – changes take place to see things differently. And happiness is where one needs to be settled or where all those changes are leading us too! Of course, there are cases of severity – indeed they are truly situations where great souls are demonstrated to rest of us living a life of mediocrity (I don’t have right to label other’s life as mediocrity, but it is just my way here to exalt those few who had raised beyond us – or raised to full potential we can achieve as human being). Being alone or being deeply connected with someone, happiness is our ultimate state – state where we see things in more appreciative style. Probably, love is the greatest motivation if there is any such force which drives us to that ultimate point – and the whole world - with the shades of black and white and with the story of joy and agony – is the finely orchestrated garden where achieving such human potential is absolutely possible.

Watching the distance communication tower through my window; like it connects many people each other, I am just wondering when I can truly actualize myself by connecting the sense of this message with who I am as an archetype of human being! In pursuit of my happiness or in my attempt to maintain that state of happiness, being with someone has definitely enamored me with lots of opportunity to see from happiness-perspective; but still I feel that I need that connection to actualize the highest potential a human can achieve! And the wonder transforms into a question: “Am I ready yet?”  

So what?

Years are shedding like the leaves! Thankfully, not at once! The miracle of creation, in spite of presence of life-stages, is that there is not a cycle like a season within the boundary defined by birth and death. And that is what life makes colorful. In the concept of linear time, changes happen and life unravels. Maybe change is the only truth, but we still have our own wanting to see the changes the way we want. Maybe as much as knowing the truth that everything is in the process of constant change, it matters to know that we need to accept the reality. Maybe that is where we need to understand the concept of presence – so called here and now. Presence – however sages and gurus have defined it – for me, as a person having daily normal activities like billions of other creatures in existence, is only about true acknowledgment of these two expects of our existence.
It has been already three years – three years of so many changes: changes which are obvious to happen. When I thought of starting studying “Social Services”, it was nothing but my demand to bring change within me by imposing what other demands. As much as I desire that I finish this study, I feel that it was my mistake: a mistake where I rather than rupturing my shell from internal force chose to go after external agents. Unfortunately or fortunately, to reveal now that I rather needed acceptance. I had always known that one does not need social work study to help people if that is the prime motive. And I am glad that Dawa Dai – who is one of a person who I always remember as a part of my own life-construct and how I wanted to see myself – mentioned about this issue even before during our discussions. I did not tell him my reason that I wanted to be extrovert by choosing this study. Thanks to Susan Caine, and to Elaine Aron for enlightening me with their knowledge that I am now able to accept myself rather than opting for the change. Change is obvious. As human desire, we want change the way we want to see it. But probably the ultimate human growth as a being maybe that acceptance: even with all the rejection by others, to accept myself as an introvert and a person who is so bad at relationship and being with people.

I am thankful to all those people – particularly those people who are complaining to me. The way people see might not reflect the truth you are, actually it is never a good idea to listen what other tells about you but it is something that makes to ask question ourselves. I am thankful that I accepted: I accepted that I am not good at making relationship with people because I am an introvert. Maybe because I don’t pick up the phone. Maybe my own thought and inner world is the most concern to me. But that is it.